From
"Monty Python's Previous Record"
and
"Monty Python's Instant Record Collection"
Originally transcribed by Dan Kay (dan@reed.uucp)
Subsequently tidied up a bit and expanded to include
"Complaint" and "Being Hit On The Head Lessons"
by Tak Ariga (tak@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu) Aug/87
Dramatis personae
(in order of appearance)
Man looking for an argument (M)
Receptionist (R)
Abuse Specialist, Mr. Bernard (B)
Argument Specialist (A)
Complaint Specialist (C)
Head Hitting Instructor (H)
M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause.)
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
B: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
B: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
B: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
B: OH! Oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
B: Ah, yes, you want room 12A. Just along the corridor.
M: Oh. Thank you very much. Sorry.
B: Not at all.
M: Thank you. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Walks down the corridor. Knocks.)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(Short pause.)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
(Pause.)
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums.)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(Pays money.)
A: Thank you.
(Short pause.)
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh shut up.
(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes! I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through!
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain, nothing happens; you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh, my back hurts! It's not a very fine day, and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. Walks down corridor, opens next door.)
M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go "Waaah." Try it again.
M: Uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, better, but "Waah, Waah"! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now.
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.
