| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Tony Aguirre
Fledgling
12 Posts |
|
|
Andrew Tafoya
Fledgling
13 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 12 2012 : 10:25:35 AM
|
I have always felt that pornography is more of a bandaid in such a relationship, which more than likely has deeper problems. In a healthy relationship I don't think porn is necessary. I'm sure there are individuals who will say it helps their relationship, but to me it seems to be more of an escape from their partners than a connection to them. It's like saying "we are connected because we both really love to have dinner at different restaurants. If he eats there, and I eat here, it really improves our relationship!" I disagree. If this is the case, you're more interested in the meal than you are in the person who "might like to share a meal."
My perspective on using porn for masturbation is that it is a way for males to enjoy rewards that they haven't earned. It is the participation ribbon for showing up instead of the Olympic gold medal. A man gets the opportunity to see a beautiful women expose herself to him with a lustful and adoring look. He is (entirely in his head) everything she wants and desires, and there is no greater male. To earn this type of trust, respect, adoration, etc., what would a man have to do? He'd have to do more than sit in his mom's basement and play Doom on the computer, I'm guessing. He would have to become the type of man he would like to be through hard work and ambition. When you add up the amount of risk it takes to successfully become the person you wish to be and the amount of time and energy it takes, the task seems daunting. Considering most men are afraid of being exposed in their own minds as people who do not have what it takes to be "heroes," the likelihood is great that they will avoid the risk and take the cheap version of the reward.
[Lightly edited to enhance readability -TT] |
 |
|
|
Tony Aguirre
Fledgling
12 Posts |
|
|
Alex Artzer
Apprentice
29 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 11:25:48 AM
|
Andrew, I'm definitely interested in your response. You say, "it's like saying 'we are connected because we both really love to have dinner at different restaurants. If he eats there, and I eat here, it really improves our relationship!'" I guess I think that time apart from your partner, being able to do what you enjoy separately and away from your partner, actually can improve a relationship. Each person in a relationship is on his or her own "journey," and sometimes people make connections by doing things separately and then talking about them later. I read a Psychology Today article about this a couple of months ago, and thought it was very interesting. Having a connection isn't about always being in the same place and always doing things together.
You also say that men use porn for masturbation to “enjoy rewards that they haven’t earned.” Maybe this is just a difference of opinion, but I don’t think pleasure is something a man (or woman) must earn. To go back to that analogy, sometimes it's nice to enjoy dinner with your partner at a restaurant and make it a formal occasion. Sometimes a couple can just relax and have dinner together at home. But sometimes, it’s nice to do your own thing just for the sake of the pleasure it gives you to eat alone. Porn can just be used to aid arousal, can't it? I’m not saying it always is, as problems in relationships have many roots, but sometimes an apple is just an apple.
[Very lightly edited to enhance readability -TT] |
Edited by - Alex Artzer on Apr 27 2012 2:20:16 PM |
|
|
|
Sergio Cerrillo
Apprentice
28 Posts |
|
|
Andrew Tafoya
Fledgling
13 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 2:52:16 PM
|
Tony, I think you have a point. However, I think we may be talking about things from slightly different perspectives. My initial assumption was that you were suggesting that porn be a consistent component of the relationship rather than a catalyst for change. I think it's realistic to think that a couple might try introducing porn to get a fresh perspective on their sex life. But I'm not sure I would agree with it's being regularly involved. My thought is still that the need for it suggests that there are underlying problems in the relationship or in one of the individuals.
Alex, I agree that separate time is valuable in a relationship. Engaging in various activities on your own helps you grow as a person and reminds you of why you have chosen to spend your time with the person you're in the relationship with. What I am arguing is that the making use of porn all the time, or needing it to function sexually with your partner, is likely to be more of a detriment than a benefit. In the same way, being away from your partner too often, or needing to be away constantly can be detrimental to a relationship. You might enjoy an occasional meal alone, but not want to eat alone all that much of the time. Unless there are things about the relationship that make spending long periods of time apart inevitable, this would be the sign of an unhealthy relationship.
As for the "reward" you mentioned, I agree one does not need to earn pleasure. What I was speaking of is the reward of respect, adoration, trust, etc... These, among other things, are elements most people would agree are desirable in a healthy relationship. To enjoy these things one must earn them in some form. That is to say the one doing the trusting or adoring must see the relevant qualities in the one he or she trusts or adores. A woman (or man) will not act in the way porn tries to mirror without finding these elements somewhere in the interaction. I'm suggesting that porn is a way for men (or women) to circumvent the work involved in earning those reactions from "real people." Occassional, independent, masturbation facilitated by porn is quite a different thing from what we are discussing now.
[Lightly edited to enhance readability -TT] |
|
|
|
Sheldon Vaughn
Fledgling
5 Posts |
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Pornography as a "Tool"
